Touch Me Not

Yesterday we took AJ (two and a half years) to a friend’s daughter’s birthday party. What should have been a nice evening for AJ to socialise with the children in our friends’ group ended abruptly when she decided to leave fifteen minutes after arriving there.

AJ has always been very particular about touch. She has never liked being cuddled too much unless she wants it in which case, she decides the duration too! As she has grown up, we have made it a rule to ask her if she wants to be cuddled before we did it and apologised if she ever voiced out discomfort. As she started growing, she was able to communicate the ‘No’ to absolute strangers who tried approaching her. Initially by dodging them and running towards me, later by either saying ‘No’, screaming, pushing their hand away or a combination of any of these actions. Every time this happened, and she ran towards me I would reassure her that she did the right thing, that if she did not want to be touched, she should voice it out and say ‘No’!

AJ was excited to be at the party, the moment she saw balloons. So, we undid a few decorative balloons and handed it to her at the entrance. As soon as we stepped in our friend approached her to pinch her cheeks to say ‘Hi’. AJ pushed his hands away and wen closer to her Dad who explained to him that she doesn’t like being touched and would warm up better if he spoke to her from a distance. The same incident repeated with two other people within the first three minutes of our arrival. AJ dropped the balloons in her hand and dragged us towards the stage to pay with the balloons scattered on the stage. Ten minutes later we were called for taking pictures along with the birthday girl and the family. When we went to the designated location, AJ’s physical space was violated again by someone wanting to pinch her cheeks. This time she was really annoyed and insisted that her father carry her. Within the next minute something did not feel very settled within her, so she got down dragged us both to the entrance and said she wanted to leave. Since she seemed very firm with her decision we obliged! While AJ’s Dad thought she wanted to leave because she was sleepy and was not too convinced with my theory that she wanted to leave because she was not comfortable. The next morning when AJ’s Dad asked her if she enjoyed the party she immediately responded saying ‘No, No, No touch, No’!

Here is what we did to facilitate AJ be vocal of something she’s not comfortable with.

• Never ask the child to say hi/ greet/ hug/ kiss/ perform for/ interact with any person, whether they are family or friends, guests, hosts or absolute strangers.

• Let the child decide who they want to interact with and for how long. Allow the child sufficient time to warm up to the surroundings and the people. Once they have explored their environment and observed the people around, they are more likely to choose the people they interact with. It is best to let the child ask us questions about the environment and the people around!

• If the child faces any discomfort in an environment or with a person, reassure the child that we understand and that it is ok to say ‘No’.

• Never step in to say ‘No’ on behalf of your child unless the child asks for help. (Except in cases where you sense absolute danger, then immediately step in!).

• Always trust the child! Just follow your child’s lead by carefully listening to what the child is trying to communicate through words or expressions or body language or actions or behaviour or even silence!

• Always ask for the child’s permission before giving them a hug or kiss even if it is a routine ‘good night’ or ‘bye’ kiss/ hug.

While there have been significant discussions around good touch and bad touch, it is important to remember that any touch that makes the child feel uncomfortable irrespective of the location is a bad touch. So rather than categorising good touch and bad touch by the location it is important to help the children trust their instinct and feel comfortable about communicating their discomfort regarding a certain environment or person.

Touching a child is unnecessary to communicate with the child. But every now and then we do come across circumstances where our physical and emotional spaces are violated. Hence it is important for us to facilitate the child to follow their intuition by encouraging independence, not inhibiting their freedom, building trust and creating a channel for an open and honest conversation.