Most parents who approach us for help with children come in with the statement, ‘My child does not listen’. Our short response to that is ‘Good!’ because (modifying what Rabindranath Tagore had said), it is important that we don’t limit our child to our learnings, for they are born in a different time for a different purpose! Our reflective question to that is ‘Does your child feel heard?’.
Before we go any further let us first understand why we feel children don’t listen to us. The limbic system in the human brain develops in the womb. The function of the limbic system is to use all the senses and for safety in the immediate environment. For infants and young children, apart from the basic needs such as food, clothing, and shelter, it is also important for them to stay connected with another limbic system in the environment that will help them feel safe. This connection and the safety that is felt through the connection helps children to learn and thrive. This happens because a connected limbic system activates the prefrontal cortex that deals with attention, reasoning, judgement, planning, impulse control, and short-term memory! The prefrontal cortex takes all the way up to the age of 24 to develop! In children, not finding another limbic system to connect with becomes an emotional emergency and hence puts them in a constant state of flight, fight, or freeze leading to tantrums, defiance, hitting, and issues with learning.
So, if we find our children throwing tantrums, defiant, destructive, harming other kids or struggling to learn, it could be because of the lack of connection that helps them feel safe. Other reasons may include hunger, lack of sleep and/or physical discomfort. If a child continues to be defiant despite ruling out the physical variables, focus on establishing connection with the child. Once the connection is established, children can reason out and communicate to us either through play or through emotional meltdowns.
When children communicate through play it is usually re-enactment of incidents or enactment of steps, they plan to take on overcoming a potential challenge. If we observe these cues carefully, we will be able to pick up on what the children are comfortable with and what they are not.
When children communicate through meltdowns it means they are finally letting out bottled up emotions that weren’t processed earlier. If a child is throwing a tantrum/ being defiant/ hitting, here’s what you can do to assist the child to have a meltdown.
Get down to their level, make eye contact (if possible), keep a neutral/ loving expression, use a soft and even tone, gently set limits on their behavior, this will trigger their meltdown.
During the meltdown, do not distract the child, empathize, be compassionate & loving, hold the child (if he/she allows) and constantly reassure the child of his/ her safety.
Continue setting gentle limits on your child’s behavior like hitting/ kicking/ biting/ pinching/ throwing things etc. throughout the meltdown.
It may sometimes take multiple meltdowns for the child to finally let it all out. When this happens the child automatically shifts from being cranky and defiant to happy and peaceful.
It is however important to ensure the adult in question is mentally and emotionally prepared to sit through a child’s meltdown.
We need to remember that no child is at fault. Any undesirable behavior we come across in the child is due to issues in the environment or adults in the environment. Listening to a child by observing their behavior or their verbal communication, giving them an outlet to process their emotions and reassuring them that they are safe and loved works like a seatbelt on a bumpy ride.
While we have written this article in context to children, we would love for parents and young adults also to explore the option of giving themselves the time and opportunity to reflect and release any bottled-up emotions.
Inspired by the book 'Listen'.
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