As quickly as the word is thrown around in various contexts, communication is a highly complex phenomenon in humans! When we hear the word communication, the first thing that comes to everyone’s mind is talking or saying something. However, there are far more essential components to meaningful communication – listening, the non-verbal gestures and the emotions involved!
Listening does not mean hearing the words the other person is saying. Listening means to have an intent to consume what the other person is saying, being empathetic and compassionate, i.e., a show of acceptance of the person as they are, to process this information as openly as possible without pre-conceived notions or a sense of judgement and respond (rather than react) to it as honestly as possible being mindful not to hurt the other person. When we listen, we are aware of the non-verbal aspects like the tone, the energy, the body language, the facial expressions, the awkward silences, crying and the unspoken words. Most importantly, listening helps develop positive human connections that develop emotional and social intelligence.
"Listening is meditative in a manner that requires us to stay present, conscious, and detached!"
When was the last time we stopped to listen to anyone around us consciously? All of us, have our thoughts kick right in to judge, to make associations to what we went through in a similar (or not) situation, to advise, to help or offer help, when all the other person needed was for someone to just listen, have a chance to reflect, process their emotions and find what they were looking for! Often, we are triggered because we are not aware of our own emotions. The lack of awareness creates difficulty in regulating our emotions, so we react rather than respond.
Now coming to the talking component of communication. All of us talk, but can we express ourselves openly and honestly without succumbing to the fear of judgment or understanding our limitations? We often conform to please people, so we don’t have to face conflict, ridicule, or judgment. There are two-fold implications to this. First, we end up feeling miserable for saying or agreeing to do something that does not sit well with us. The second is when the other person does find out that we never meant what we said (basically a follow through), there is a breach of trust! Being cognizant of our own emotions and delivering on what is said becomes extremely important.
Let’s take a simple example to understand the importance of open and honest communication in parenting.
Tod (a toddler) loves the outdoors. His parents cannot give him the opportunity outdoors daily for various reasons. However, they have managed to squeeze in an hour of outdoors every week. Tod resists going back home at the end of the hour; he just wants to play more. His parents promise to bring him back the next day to ease him into going back home and get on with the day. They just wanted to avoid conflict, a tantrum at that moment, because the tantrum was a trigger to the parents as it made them feel incapable of meeting Tod’s needs. Each passing week the resistance becomes stronger and harder to manage. Tod has also become overly emotional about the smallest things not going his way, leaving his parents frustrated!
What happened?
The parents’ lack of awareness of their own emotions and consequent inability to regulate them caused them to avoid conflicts and make promises they couldn’t keep.
For Tod, this was a breach of trust, leaving him frustrated.
Could the story have been different?
Acknowledge that they are doing the best they can for Tod!
Communicate honestly to Tod about their limitations on the time available.
Meet Tod’s reaction with empathy and compassion.
Once the storm (tantrum) passes, a connection is established between Tod and his parents that helps him understand his parents’ time constraints.
A sense of trust is established in their relationship.
How to help Tod now?
The same applies for the blanket statement ‘You can do whatever you want’ that we make to children and when they come to us with what they want we dismiss them due to our limitations governed by time, money, effort, fear, and care!
Positive impacts of Open and Honest Communication on parenting:
It builds a sense of trust in the relationship with parents for children. They would not have any inhibitions approach parents when they need help, or they are in trouble – this becomes extremely important as they grow up.
It helps avoid a sense of ambiguity and anticipatory anxiety in children regarding how parents will receive their choices i.e., they are not weighed down by the fear of judgment.
They develop emotional and social intelligence because of positive connections they develop with parents. They are more open to understanding things that cannot be done i.e., they receive a ‘No’ without (much) fuss.
They learn to communicate through a sense of awareness. Awareness of their own emotions and the atmosphere in the environment they are in – the foundation for responding vs reacting.
They grow to understand that it’s ok to have boundaries and say ‘No’ to things that do not resonate well with them!
"I’ll leave you with this question, have you ever cut through the noise in your head and listened to how you feel in silence? If yes, what was your experience? If not, are you intrigued to try?"
Share your thoughts in the comments below or DM us. Either way we would love to listen to your stories!
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