Trust and consent are the two basic needs in any relationship – even a parent-child relationship!
AJ was eighteen months old when she started trying to ascend a ladder leading up ten feet to the overhead tank. She tried a few steps at a time first before she finally made the full ascent within two weeks of first trying. While climbing a few steps at a time did not feel so scary, when she finally attempted the full ascent, I must confess my heart skipped multiple beats and my instant reaction was to say ‘No!’. Luckily the S.T.O.P technique kicked in and the rationalisation that followed, made me realise that my fear was she would fall and hurt herself that stemmed from the fear I have seen in my parents! The instant emotion that followed was guilt! Guilt that I did not trust her to feel capable enough to judge her ability to make the ascent especially considering she had been testing it for two weeks now. I also realised that I was underestimating my ability to be the cushion that softens the impact of the fall. So, instead of saying ‘No!’, I decided to trust her judgement and be there for her if she needed any support to make it to the top!
Another follow up question that we normally receive from our fellow parents, friends and family is ‘What if she attempts to make the ascent without adult supervision?’. The answer lies in trust again. We have always given AJ the liberty to explore where, when, and how she wants to. However, there have been circumstances where we have had to step in either to say ‘No’ or provide an alternative. In these instances, we have clearly explained our concerns and ensured she is fully comfortable with our reasoning. This has helped her trust us and bring it to our notice when she wants to explore something rather than do it without our knowledge.
Here is how we can establish a relationship of trust:
Believe that children are capable of more than we give them credit for. The best way to do this is follow their lead and support them when they need it.
Have faith in their ability to ask you for help when they need it! That way they have tested their limits and asking for help is normalised!
If there is a doubt in the ability of your child, take a pause and try to understand where this doubt is coming from.
Use every opportunity that you get to make them self-reliant. The more we watch them being able to do things on their own and being able to judge when they need help, the more we will be able to trust their abilities.
If we decide to say ‘No’ or ask them to modify their approach, it is important for us to explain why we feel so. Trust is a two-way street!
In our ‘Touch Me Not’ blog we have spoken about one form of consent. However, consent of the child is important in every aspect that is personal to the child. Let us look at a few examples to understand the interplay between trust, consent, and self-reliance.
Simply by involving them in day-to-day decision making, activities and personal care needs we not only are able to develop the life skills they require but also kindle multiple intelligences in them (i.e. spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, linguistic, logical-mathematical, naturalistic, interpersonal and intrapersonal; musical intelligence can be kindled by specific exposure to music).
Wonderful✨😍